Reagan gonna make you scream!

Reagan stole The Tonight Show back from Conan because Reagan hates gingers.

Reagan can out-sad your emo band.

Unknown. In 2012, Reagan plans on traveling the solar system across the Asteroid Belt with a fire-hot needle and several tons of Clearasil to finally vanquish Jupiter’s Great Red Spot. Reagan doesn’t appreciate seeing large, Commie-Red masses on the map of any planet. We’re sure he’ll save Earth if nothing more exciting pops up.

Reagan steals rainbows from hippies and focuses them into deadly white laser beams, which he uses to hunt the most precious game of all— Russkies!

Reagan loves a good spectacle.

Al Gore did, in fact, invent the internet— in a manic effort to impress Reagan while they were hanging one weekend in Rio. Reagan was not impressed, as he already had access to all information known and unknown.